I hate all girls vehemently.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
