he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
