I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
