i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
