I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
