the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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