I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
