Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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