bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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