If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
