Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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