I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
