dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
