Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This house was built for laser tag.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
