two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So apparently I’m into choking now
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