Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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