Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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