I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
