There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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