Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
