I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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