I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
