Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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