What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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