Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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