when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
