I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
