You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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