Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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