Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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