Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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