i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
they need to just BURY HIM!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
