i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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