Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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