I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
