I skipped work to stalk him.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
