She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
whose ass print is on the piano?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
