Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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