yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
