Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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