your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
