What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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