I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
