i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
