the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
