What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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