my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
