When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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