So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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