I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
