Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said âEat Freshâ while his GF was with him. FML
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