Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
