i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
