I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
