We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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