I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
