She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
