I hate your face
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
