Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
