If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
