with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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