I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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