filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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