So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
